


Feelings And Thoughts For A Lost Raven

by RissaLeigh



Category: Teen Titans (Animated Series)
Genre: Character Death, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-07
Updated: 2013-07-07
Packaged: 2017-12-18 00:24:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/873600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RissaLeigh/pseuds/RissaLeigh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things take a turn for the worse when a mission goes bad. Beast Boy is caught between a rock and a hard place. I'm awful at summaries, *Warning: Bloody scenes, Suicidal thoughts, and Death.*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Losing Her Hurts

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, this is just a little one-shot that popped into my head. Rated T for suicide/suicidal thoughts, death, language, and possibly other things. Also, I realize my style isn't consistent, between present writing and past writing, I tried fixing it the best I could, but it was a little difficult.  
> Don't like it? Don't read it.  
> Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans.  
> P.S. I love comments :)

The sky remained calm, people say there's a calm before a storm, but in this case it's a calm after one. The four remaining titans walked to their unmoving team mate. Two bodies laid on the ground in the entire area of the forest that the battle was fought on. One of them was a teammate's, the other an enemy's.  
"Raven..." A bloodied Beast Boy kneeled down to the pale girl, who was resting in a puddle of her own blood, if only it could be called resting though, tears slowly fell down his cheeks, "She looks so, fragile, and small. I can't believe that this..." He trailed off, the team agreed, it's weird to see Raven not looking tough or indestructible. They didn't have time to discuss it though. Cyborg went to Beast Boy and put a hand on his shoulder.  
"We understand, BB." He leaned over and picked up the lifeless body of not only his teammate, but his surrogate sister. He couldn't remember the last time he felt so close to anyone, but with Raven gone, he didn't think he ever would again. Starfire wiped tears away and Robin tried staying composed, acting stoic, as he thought a leader should. He tried not to think about how Raven was the one who helped him through some of the hardest part of his life, who was one of his best friends, how he was the one who shared a special bond with her. He kept those thoughts down for later, when he could let them out in private, and not make this any worse than they already were. Cyborg held onto Raven gently and walked towards Robin and Starfire. "Come on, BB, we gotta get back to the tower."  
Beast Boy slowly raised himself up from the ground, he looked around this place and saw the body of who caused this tragedy. Mad Mod, he'd done this. He went to far in all these stupid games and his teaching the "kids" a lesson and he'd caused Raven's death. Beast Boy let out an animalistic roar as he ran to the corpse and kicked it with such force that it flipped over, revealing the ugly shredded remains of the old man. He breathed heavy, quick breathes and glared down at the bloody corpse, the white hair soaking up the blood surrounding the body. If looks could kill the man would be dead thousands of times over again. The green changeling turned on his heels and walked to the rest of his friends, they just stared. No one said it, no one had the heart to say it. They all knew how much the Beast Boy loved Raven. How he could see through all the bad things she thought she was and see her true self. How no matter if he had said rash thing about her being creepy, or weird, he still loved her with every ounce of his soul. Starfire wrapped her arm around his shoulder and they all returned to the tower.  
It had been a few weeks since Raven's death. Everyone was still distraught, the air of the tower just never returning to what it was before the incident. Starfire could hardly fly, feeling so lost without the only other female member of the team. No happy thoughts had entered her mind these last few days, leaving her grounded. She wasn't sure when or if the ability would return, not that it was much more than a fleeting thought to her. She missed her best friend so much and longed to go shopping with her, even though she was positive Raven would have said no, it would have still been joyful to just knock on her door and ask her to join her at the mall of shopping and go get the paints for their toes and fingers at a place she recently learn was called a nail salon. Actually, thinking back on it, she'd learned the word from Raven. She yearned even more to have just one more meditation session with her lost friend. She'd felt closer to her then, when they changed Raven's sacred words together, so in sync, than she ever did any other time. She just wished she had done so more often, when she still have the opportunity. So that's what she did. Sitting on the roof, unable to hover with her useless powers, she repeated Raven's mantra.  
"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos. Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos." The orange girl felt tears wet her cheeks, as a familiar but strangely sad wave of serenity washed over her.  
Cyborg kept to himself in his workshop. He tinkered with his car, and added on random things, that honestly they could do without. Anything to keep him from thinking about Raven. He'd felt protective over her since the first day the team had formed. It wasn't protective for any kind of romantic reasons, but protective because he loved her as a sister. She was the closest thing he'd ever had to one really, the closest thing he'd ever had to family, excluding the team of course. But now, with her gone, he just didn't couldn't bring himself to think about it. He kept himself busy, completely on autopilot, only going to his room to recharge. Which was rare now since he'd found a way to minimize his power use without otherwise affecting his abilities or changing any of his basic functions. Right at this moment though, he was working on something that the city had cautiously asked him to make for them. It was a memorial for raven, nothing super fancy, they just wanted him to put together a small electronic shrine for her. It could be put in the park, and if someone happened upon it they could push a button, and be told the stories of everything Raven had ever done for the city, just something to show how much they had appreciated her services. They had given him use of their archives they'd collected of the Titans conquests, and very few pictures of the pale girl, which showed her obvious reluctance to have her picture taken in the first place. The human half of his head cried while he did this, the pictures brought up fond memories of Raven, that he didn't feel ready to remember yet, stirring too many feelings that he had worked hard this past week to suppress.  
Robin coped the way he did with everything, he stayed locked in his room, looking over past articles of all the fights the team had been in. But honestly, his mind wasn't on any of the things he found his eyes focusing so hard on. It was on the fight that costed him one of the few people in his life that he had even gotten close to. The fight that took Raven's life, and being himself, he was going over all the possibilities, everything all of them could have done, to prevent what had happened. He saw it all, everything brutally clear and fresh in his mind. Scrutinizing every detail. He'd barely slept at all, just like his team mate. His brain was too obsessed with every way he could have prevented such an awful twist of fate.   
The Titans had chased Mad Mod half way across town and into the woods. It was routine, they finished up with the bad guys silly game and now it was all a matter of catching him and taking him to jail. Cyborg and Beast Boy would go front and distract him, while Robin and Starfire came from each side, and Raven came from behind to go in for the catch. But they had gotten too complacent, everything had become too routine for them, and that's where it went down hill. Beast Boy had pounced Mad Mod and Starfire, Cyborg, and Robin were all throwing punches, powers, and beams at him. Raven was right there ready to encompass him with her power when he turned, he saw her, and he leapt for her. He threw his frail old body at her with all his might and brought her down, he leapt up to face the other Titans, but whipped back around when he saw that Raven was getting back up. That's when he threw his cane. In the moment Mad Mod himself probably couldn't have forseen what he was about to do. It had such force and Raven wasn't prepared for it, it shattered right through her sternum and out the other side, through her back. Mod didn't care though, as villans were known to do, or not do in this case. What little human emotion he had left in him flashed across his face in the form of a horrified look, but he didn't dwell on it, he was too concerned with his own getaway. He ran towards her and grabbed his cane, ripping it out with an awful wet suction sound, and fled into the woods. That's when the rain came, and Raven lay there, motionless, water mixing with the blood that was seeping through her clothes and washing through the grass. The Titans were stunned to say the least, all but Beast Boy who was furious. The heat of his anger and his tear fueled his fire to destroy the person who had done this. He transformed into a cheetah and ran after Mad Mod at a breakneck pace, the old man never stood a chance. Beast Boy tackled Mod down and just kept clawing at him, not just his face, but his stomach and chest. His claws ripping through the old man's skin like it was paper. A feeling that would haunt Beast Boy, just as the scene before him would remain with him for the rest of his life. It was a bloody mess. The rest of the team caught up with Beast Boy, just in time to see him transform back into himself, and collapse into a heap by a tree nearby. A blood covered, hate filled heap, a shell of his former self. They knew the severity of what had just happened, Starfire couldn't bring herself to look at it, a hand covering her mouth. Even Robin and Cyborg were shaking at the sight of the brutality they bore witness to. But none of them could bring themselves to say anything. It was bad, but they had no pity for Mod, not after what he had done to their teammate. It was too much for her to heal, and she bled out too fast, if Mad Mod hadn't have pulled out his cane maybe she'd have had a chance, but even then, it went through her heart. It wasn't likely that that would have helped either. At this point it stopped raining, everything went calm, and they stood there, all mourning their lost Raven.  
Robin growled to himself and threw the papers across the room. He put his head in his hands, and for the first time since what happened, he cried. He bawled his eyes out. He'd never get to see Raven again, never get to hear her voice, or make battle strategies with her, or just talk over a nice cup of tea. He enjoyed doing that. On occasions he and Raven just sat together and talked, while drinking tea. Of course it was nothing too deep. Nothing too emotional, neither of them were overly emotional people. But with each other they didn't have to be, they had a connection, they could comfort each other without words. It was nice for each of them though, just to be able to have someone to talk to about their day. She was the only one who he actually told how he felt about Starfire. Everyone probably knew, but she was the first he'd told. He slipped off his mask and wiped his eyes. After carefully putting the piece of fabric back on, he went to the kitchen and prepared himself a cup of herbal tea, the only thing now that could make himself feel close to Raven once more.  
Beast Boy sat in Raven's room with one of her books in his hand. He had locked himself in Raven's room, barely able to bring himself to leave to room for real sustenance. Even then he would only leave at night so the risk of running into one of the others was lessened. He was the one who'd been hit the hardest from Raven's death. He had sunk into a depression and wanted nothing to do with his friends for the time being. He knew she would hate it if she knew he was in her room, but he wanted to be close to her. He laid on her bed, head on her pillow, and just tried to collect all the great memories they had had together, as though he could pull them right out of the stuffing, and tried thinking only of those. But he couldn't. His mind stayed focused on the fact that it was all too late. He stayed, frozen in place, where he was just a few weeks ago. Kneeling beside Raven's lifeless body and thoughts running through his head at a mile a minute.  
_I was too late._  
_I could kiss her, but she wouldn't feel it._  
_I could show her how much she means to me, but she wouldn't see it._  
_I could tell her I love her, but she wouldn't hear it._  
_All because I was too late. All because I was a coward and couldn't tell her to her face._  
_Now it's too late. I'll never get to tell her. It will always be my biggest regret._  
Another regret he had was calling her creepy. Even though he apologized, he still, in his heart, always felt awful for even thinking that. He knew it had hurt her, he thought he had more time to make it up to her. To tell her how turely sorry he was for ever causing her pain.  
_You could tell her._  
The though left as quickly as it had entered. There was a way wasn't there.  
You could still see her again. You could tell her. You could hold her. You could kiss her!  
The thought sent an icy chill down his spine. He sat up and put his legs over the edge of the bed. Looking at the floor he realized it was true. If he went where she was, he could tell her everything and hold her, hug her, kiss her. The simple things he could have done weeks ago that were now impossible. He felt in his pocket and pulled out the razor he had slipped in there earlier. He had found in on Raven's desk, and making him how much of her pain she was really masking, how much of that pain he had put on her. It would be easy, he could just cut his veins, bleed out like she did, and see her again so soon. It'd be like falling asleep and dreaming yourself into bliss. He was completely prepared for it, so set on seeing Raven again, so focused on the thought of her when a shimmering image appeared in front of him.  
"You idiot. Tell me you aren't that weak."  
Beast Boy gasped at the heavenly voice.  
"Raven?" He asked in a raspy voice, and there she stood. Dressed in blue with just a silvery glow about her. He jumped up off the bed and took a few steps, to stand just inches before her. He couldn't believe what he was seeing, had lack of sleep eroded his brain more than he thought? The razor slipped through his fingers, clinking on the floor, as he tentatively stretched a hand out, wanting to touch the spirit of his love.   
"If you are seriously that weak, don't even consider yourself a friend of mine."  
Her words hurt him, he flinched, dropping his hand, and frowned at what she said, "But Raven, I just. I miss you more than I could ever put into words. I want to be with you, I don't want you to leave."  
"And you think I do?" She asked, shaking her head, she pulled down her hood to reveal her amazing amethyst eyes, "I don't want to leave you guys either Beast Boy. I love you all so much. But that doesn't mean I want you here with me. You still have a duty to the city. Keep fighting, idiot. Besides, how would the others feel if they'd lost two teammates in one month?" They stared at each other in silence for a moment as he thought over her words. She was right, he realized, the thoughts he'd been having, all the pain he would put his friends through if he'd gone through with it. "I'm fine." She said, after a moment, "You wouldn't believe how amazing it is anyway. I don't have to worry about my powers, about my emotions controlling my life, about my father... I can just be me. I'm free to feel things now, I've never felt so at one with myself, I've never felt so peaceful, B. Plus, I can finally say this. I love you, Beast Boy. I love you with all my heart, you were one of my best friends. You were one of the first people in my life to show me that I'm more than my father's prophecy. I can't tell you how much you mean to me BB, and how much better you've made my life just by treating me like a normal person." She smiled when she said this, Raven, the girl he loved and had always thought the frown on her face was permanent, actually smiled.  
"I love you too Raven. I wish we could have had more time together, I'm sorry it had to be this way. But it makes me so happy that you're happy." He leaned in and, for a split second, their lips touched, and he felt it. It was quick though, innocent, and she quickly vanished. He was left standing alone in her room, with one of her books in his hand, and tears streaming down his face. He was stunned but found himself after a few minutes, the hurt was still there, he still miss her, but he was finally able to start moving forward. He hugged the book to his chest and left Raven's room. Robin, on his way to make his tea, saw him and looked shocked.  
"Beast Boy?" He asked.  
"Robin." He said, a small smile gracing his lips for the first time in a long time.  
"You okay?" Robin asked.  
"I think I am. What are you doing?" Beast Boy walked over to his friend.  
"I was just going to make some tea."  
"Oh, well, could I have some too?"  
"Of course, come on."  
The two of them walked into the kitchen, where they found Cy and Starfire already gathered. They all shared a cup of tea, and for once, talked together, as a team, about what had happened and what all they were feeling, since Raven's death. Their friend may be gone, but she would forever and always remain in their hearts. 


	2. Alternate Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is how I really wanted it to end, I'm not sure which is better but I like both of them so I figured everyone else can just choose their favorite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so here's my alternate ending, I wanted the story to truly end this way, but it didn't feel right not having it end on a semi-happy ending. Like I said before, rated T for the whole suicide/suicidal thoughts, death, and language, well actually not really language. There wasn't any harsh language in here. There might be though, I'm not sure yet.  
> Don't like it, don't read it. If you don't like it, I don't know why you're on the second chapter, buuuuut, moving on.  
> Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans, I only own this sort of cheesy plot.

Beast Boy sat in Raven's room with one of her books in his hand. He had locked himself in Raven's room, never leaving unless for getting something to eat, then he would only leave at night so the risk of running into one of the others was less. He was the one who'd been hit the hardest from Raven's death. He had sunk into a depression and wanted nothing to do with anyone else. He knew she would hate it if she knew he was in her room, but he wanted to be close to her. He laid on her bed, head on her pillow, and just tried to collect all the great memories they had had together and think only of those. But he couldn't. His mind remained on the fact that it was all too late. He stayed, frozen in place, where he was just a few weeks ago. Kneeling beside Raven's lifeless body and simple thoughts running through his head.  
 _I was too late._  
 _I could kiss her, but she wouldn't feel it._  
 _I could show her how much she means to me, but she wouldn't see it._  
 _I could tell her I love her, but she wouldn't hear it._  
 _All because I was too late. All because I was a coward and couldn't tell her to her face._  
 _Now it's too late. I'll never get to tell her. It will always be my biggest regret._  
Another regret he had was calling her creepy. Even though he appologized, he still, in his heart, always felt awful for even thinking that.  
 _You could tell her._  
The though left as quickly as it had entered. There was a way wasn't there.  
 _You could still see her again. You could tell her. You could hold her. You could kiss her!_  
He froze. He sat up and put his legs over the edge of the bed. Looking at the floor he realized it was true. If he went where she was, he could tell her everything and hold her, hug her, kiss her. The simple things he could have done weeks ago that were now impossible. He felt in his pocket and pulled out the razor he had slipped in there earlier. He found in on Raven's desk, and quickly wondered how much of her pain she was really masking. It would be easy, he could just cut his veins, bleed out like she did, and see her again so soon. It'd be like falling asleep and dreaming yourself into bliss. He couldn't stand to live without her. Everyday living in the agonizing pain of knowing her was never going to see her beautiful face again, never going to hear her wonderful voice, or never going to see her just sitting in the corner, while everyone else argued, silently reading a book. What seemed like something simple, actually something complicated because the whole time she had to let nothing get to her. She had to constantly keep control of herself so she wouldn't unleash her powers and have something happen to someone or something and it be her fault. Until now he never really thought about how she always seemed calm and peaceful, when inside she was probably fighting for control of her emotions, especially when the team was fighting around her, making her mad.  
Beast Boy sighed and looked at the razor. _I can hold her and tell her, in a few short seconds, that's all it takes._ He grabbed a piece of paper and decided he better tell the other Titans what he's doing. He jots down a quick note and goes to slip it under the door.  
 _Hey guys. I'm sorry to do this to you, I really am, I just... I can't live without Raven. she all I think about, she engulfs all of my dreams. I want to be with her, only her. I'm really sorry about this. But I have to do this._  
He slipped the note under the door and walked back to the middle of the room. He knew they would find it eventually, for the most part the Titans avoided Raven's room, but there were some instances where they had no choice but to at least pass by. He gently sat Raven's room on her bed and held out one of his arms. He clenched his teeth and slid the razor vertically up his arm. He hit a vein and blood came slowly pouring out. He did the same with the other arm and the razor slipped, through his fingers, to the floor. He let his arms fall to his sides and felt the blood flow a little faster. The green changeling smiled, his first smile since Raven died, as he felt the world spin and he grew cold. Everything went blurry and he barely felt it as his body crashed to the floor, landing in a pool of his own blood. His purple clothes were drenched in scarlet and everything was slowly fading to black. When his body took it's last breath and his heart gave out from blood loss and stopped bleeding. His brain stopped thinking and soon he was in a dark nothingness. For a few moments he was in complete peace, he couldn't think, he couldn't feel, there was just nothing. Then, there was a blinding light. He was on his back, but he was also in the air, his arms were stretched out and so were his legs. When everything cleared slightly he could feel himself floating upwards. Then, in the last few moment, he saw Raven, looking down at him, waiting for him to join her. A smile graced her lovely, pale face, and he knew. He was going to get to finally tell her how he felt, he was going to get to hold her, and kiss her. But most of all he knew, everything was going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I hope that was okay with you guys. I have mixed feelings about this, and I haven't (devotedly) watched Teen Titans in so long. I don't really like the new show but I watch it for the sake of the fandom.


End file.
